I want myself to remember this day. Not because it is a special day or anything but because I am truly hurt and disappointment on this day. I always believe when we are kind towards others, others will remember our good deeds and treat us nice too. I am sincere when I do things and buy things to make others happy. I do just want to see them- happy.

But sometimes.. I wonder.. All those things I've done, I don't think it mean anything at all to others actually. People still treats me like shit. People here are so different from the ones I know back in my hometown.

This day, on the 31st of December, 2015 my birthday as well as the end of the year 2015, I would like to promise myself to love myself more than others and never to treat others so nice anymore. Screw the kindness because nobody will love you any more than they do because you never mean anything to them in the first place. Please remember this.

Happy new year eve to myself.
and also Happy Birthday to myself.

Cheers to another year.

Am I thinking too much?
I wouldn't be surprise if I did because that's what I do best.
I think and care too much.

As much as it's weird to say this, but I actually enjoy bickering with you and wrestling with you all the time. although it's obviously unfair because I can never win you. But I think you are not aware of what you're making me feel here each time you did all those things to me.

Reading back those conversations we had and comments you left for me. I could've sworn that I meant something to you. Or is it just me thinking too much.

I hate my brain sometimes. It likes messing with me. A lot.

It's so weird. you are.

You. are one weird guy.

I wonder why.
You only like being around me only when I'm at my best and you'd leave me alone when I'm in my shittiest day. You said I needed to cool off? How do you know that's what I need? All I ever wanted was for you just to be there for me when I'm down. Is that so much to ask for? Whenever you're sad or feeling down, I'd go the extra mile and do silly things to cheer you up. Honestly, I'm not asking for anything in return but the least you can do is not abandoned me and leave me be like that whenever I'm not in my best mood right?

Among the rest, I've always considered you my best friend because I know you'll always be there for me through thick and thin but boy was I wrong. Today, it helped me realized and see what I was too blind to see all this time.

You only wanted me when I was in my best mode but never when I'm sad. And to think I actually had a tad bit feelings for you. Well, thank you for helping me realize that you're not worth it anymore. I will try and pay less attention and  knowledge of you from now on. Eventhough I have no idea how to do that.

You're the only one that can make bad days better here you know. Yeah, you have a lot of other people around you so maybe you don't really notice that. Whatever. Screw you.

Never again will I be so silly and stupid for a guy.

I wonder, how can someone make you feel so special today, but so unwanted the next day?
This is life I guess.



Shame on me I suppose.
For getting too close.

Sometimes, when I don't feel happy or I am not in my 100%, I just wish you'd just be there for me and listen. I am such a complicated person who enjoy overthinking and shit like that and ended up being all emotional over unimportant stuff. But that's how I am. I'm only human and I'm not perfect. You told me you do not like the way I am now. But is it permanent? Do you think I like to act like the way I am now?

Well, I finally understand. You only enjoy my presence when I'm happy and joyful, but when I'm upset and moody, you do not like it. Is that so.. Thanks for letting me know that.

I really thought you were different though.

Starting today, I will no longer be the same person I was yesterday.
and I promise you, my feelings for you will end here.




Yeah. You've been acting pretty weird since yesterday and you told me you're just tired. Is that so? Why are you not talking to me and even if you are.. you sound so. formal and cold.
sigh. How long do we have to keep this up.

I can't lose you man. You're all I got here that actually listens to my shitty rants and I listen to yours. You're seriously killing me. shit. Stupid idiot. Not sure if I should approach you first or not tomorrow.. never mind. We'll see how it goes.

Look on the bright side. This guy made my day all better when he decided to suddenly give me a web call. We don't have much in common and we argued a lot over the smallest thing, but he's still the best for always trying to make my day better. :) thank you Mr. Kessy.










I actually think we still have hope to patch things up and be together again. Well, at least I used to.
Now things are different. We've been acting like friends for more than a year since we last broke up. Hope? Nah. It still hurts though.

I used to get really happy and excited with you find me and starts a conversation but I can sense that my feelings are slowly fading away. What we once had. It's sad too because I start to forget many things that you once told me. I really still do like you but I think you've moved on a long time ago. I'm the idiot who's been waiting here for the sky to fall.

At times, I regret having you in my life. You're a liar but I can't seem to stay away from you because you make me happy. It's frustrating.

Last time, when you told me you will further your studies in Penang, I was actually pretty sad inside because I know we wouldn't be meeting up anymore but right now.. I think it's better that way.

If I could erase all these feelings inside of me, I think everything will be okay. but can I ever do that? I guess it's true when people say your ex can't remain as your friend.

Help me. sigh.

I think I am slowly falling for you and that's bad. Really bad.

because I shouldn't. never. No.

but I think I mean nothing more than a good old friend to you.

Ok. I need to shut these feelings out before it gets out of hand. God.